GRS / SRS My diary of my Gender Reassignment operation with Mr Phil Thomas at The Sussex Nuffield Hospital,UK Quick Overview / Details for girls considering SRS is HERE - this includes some post operative pictures.   I decided to split this section from the main diary as its more specialised and give it its own section. The following is transcribed directly from a paper diary I kept during the process with some additions for things I missed out. 8th September, 2004 ( GRS -1 ) My last day before surgery. The fear is bad news, I never imagined I would feel like this. Its the end of a lifetimes dream and here I am in tears because I am so scared. Is it the hormones ( or lack of them ), I only know I am struggling not to run away from the op now its finally here. I had so hoped when I started this transition to find a genuine and real partner. I thought even at the start a partner may give me the confidence when this time came. They may have been a support for me in the toughest part of the process and of course would have given me a stability. It was always hopeless to expect that I suppose. I have been TS long enough to know that most of us will be alone in our lives. I am sat here having a cup of tea, soon I will put my case in the car and start the dirve to the hospital. I should be happy yet I am filled with just doubts and fears. Its a hot and clear day as I drive to the hospital. The drive tends to calm my nerves a little bit. 11:00 AM I arrive at the Sussex Nuffield hsopital and check myself in and am then shown to my room ( its room 6 if any other girls have stayed here ). I meet Carla one of the gender nurses who will be looking after me. The other one is Liz who I met at my initial consultation. I unpack my stuff, books and things, Rapunzel Barbi ( my good luck charm given me by a friend ) goes on my bedside cabinet to keep an eye on me, I smile at her. The room is nice with its own bathroom and all mod cons. Its a bit like a medicalised version of a room at holiday inn type hotels. I sit and wait a while and then get offered a lunchtime menu - I am told I can only have clear items, clear chicken or vegetable soup, tea or cofee with no milk and lemon or lime jelly. I mark down a few items and resolve to force them down. My body will need all it can get in the coming few days. Carla spends some time with me to outline the coming days schedules and stuff. Shortly I will be given a laxative to flush me out. I have to be completely clear for the operation. Strangely now I am here all the nerves have gone to a large extent. I tell Carla I am a bit scared and she she smiles sympathetically and tells me most people would be. I resolve to get a grip on the fear - as I walked in to the hospital I caught sight of my reflection in one of the windows, - its me - a woman - I AM a woman and it helps to settle me down in some way. Time now for all the self doubt to come to an end. I didnt see any other girls like me as I wandered down to my room. I wonder - some other girl is doing the same as me today, right here, right now, possibly lots are all over the world, sisters of a kind. I wonder passingly what they are like, how they are feeling. I sort of draw some comfort from that - your not alone Mel I tell myself. On the journey here I had to stop for fuel, all around me at the petrol station people were going about their normal lives, in the midst of them is me, facing this 'ordeal' this nebulous thing, just wishing abd hoping that one day I can have an ordinary life too. I stare out of the windows, its a blue sky with sunshine. My thoughts turn as they do when I am under stress to the ones like me. The ones before who paved the way for me, the famous ones like Tula and April Ashley but also the many unsung ones, each has helped to lay one more piece of paving which has provided a place for my stilettos to tread safely. Some of them have died, been crippled, lost so much - but their loss has made it possible for me - I silently offer thanks. I had so many well wishes for this it was a very humbling experience to know so many read the diary and wish me well. I feel my heart throw out love for those who went before, those who will come after and the very many well wishers. 12:00 Noon Lunch arrives, or what they tell me is lunch. Clear soup, some fruit juices, black tea and lime jelly. Some of the other nurses drop by to introduce themselves to me. Some I think can read the fear in my eyes. Finally Carla reappears with the dreaded laxative. I am cautioned to drink LOTS of fluid after taking it as it can cause big dehydration problems. The laxative they use ( Picolax ) has a reputation for tasting foul. In fact its just very bitter like a very over the top bitter lemon. I knock it back and start on 'lunch' I notice looking up my door has my name on it - Miss M Jones - I scribble just under it - 'please just call me Mel, thanks xxxxx' and then laugh a bit - the nerves are easing. After lunch I touch my makeup up and twirl in front of the mirror a bit - am I really a woman ? Yes says the reflection - be sure Melanie - you are and your pretty too. Carla comes back with a Dr in tow - he is kind of cute - Simon. He is here to give me a quick once over and also to say hi as he will be the ward doctor for most of my stay. He takes some blood tests, checks my pulse ( mmmhhh racing - he is VERY cute in fact ) and asks some routine questions and the departs - I put my feet up and read for a bit. 14:00 PM Assorted nurses and assistants pop in to say hello, makes me feel like royalty. One of the assistants tells me there is in fact another TS in who is post op, would I like to meet her ? I agree. I am happy enough alone but dont mind chatting with other girls, I tell Carla if any girls are in while I am then I am free to chat if they want company at all. 16:00 PM I get measured up for surgical stockings and also meet Carol the other girl in here. Carol was opped a few days ago and is now up and about. I sigh - soon it will be me. Carla pops in to ask if the laxative had any effect - I smile smugly and say 'No' - she smiles back and tells me she hope it works soon or it will be colonic flush time 17:00 PM Ahem - the laxative is now working pretty well - I have scarcely been out of the loo for tha last hour and am writing this entry while perched on the loo. My bottom feels like there is a kenwood mixer with a dough hook attachment in there. I sort of guessed the procedure would be like this, endless forms, questionairres, samples, tests to keep you occupied almost non stop. I have always been convinced they do it deliberatley to take your mind off things - between filling out forms, having samples taken, meeting and greeting I havent had any time to get nervous, the procedure takes over - welcome to the machine. 18:00 PM Dinner arrives, about the same as lunch. I am ok being a light eater. God knows how a gourmet would cope with this and I have 4 days ahead of me like this. 19:00 PM Mr Thomas my surgeon pops in to say hello and to get me to sign off the consent forms. Its all very businesslike - no sense of ceremony. I could be signing up for a cable box. After a quick chat Mr Thomas departs. I sort of wish I could have talked more to him but then whats left to say. Its do or die - 'whats up Mel ?' says an internal voice - 'you want to live forever ?' I sit and read - I hear one of the other girls with visitors, I can hear them laughing and joking. No one pops by to see me for which I am glad - I prefer to be alone right now. Mr Thomas saw how nervous I was and asked me if I would prefer to postpone - I shake my head - No - I AM scared, I have doubts - but they are just stage fright. I think back to how I felt after the first SRS op scrubbed on me, how after the 1st DVT a Doctor told me that would probably mean no surgery for me, how after the embolism I was told by another surgeon that would mean no procedure would be possible. How did I feel then, suicidal, crying myself to sleep every night for weeks, the self harm attacks the violence of my inner self as it faced losing all that I had dreamed off for half a lifetime. THOSE are the true feelings. This stupid fear is - well, stupid. 20:00 PM I have a hot bath to calm me down, lots of suds and just lie there. I think about the offer of postponement - no, no, no it doesnt make sense. These fears will be here always until I am post op. Priscilla one of the nurses comes in after my bath. Smiles and tells me all will be well reassures me Mr Thomas knows his stuff and I will be fine, each of the nurses here knows what they are about and that I shouldnt worry that I am in the best hands possible. She offers me some pills to help me sleep but I turn them down. She changes the sign on my door to 'Nil per Ora' so we are in the final countdown. I get texts on my mobile from so many friends and well wishers it truly is humbling. Its now a long wait until 10pm when I will be given a jab of Heparin to thin my blood down to help prevent any clotting problems. Soon it will be done, then its 5 days in bed, no baths, no food an ordeal for sure but not such a bad exchange for life itself. 21:00 PM The laxative has finally worn off. God alnone knows whats in it but it certainly cleaned me out. 22:00 PM I am so tired I can barely stay awake. All thats been needed to be said or done is now over. I lay back and wonder how I will feel tomorrow when they come for me. At just after 22:00 I get my jab and am told its a good idea to take a final bath and also a shave. For some reason us TS get to shave ourselves. No idea why as usually hospitals insist they do ut. I go sit in another bath and give myself a once over. While shaving and bathing I look at myself ina mirror, my male parts, me as a whole. Normally when I see me in a mirror I see a sort of ghosted image of a woman over the old male me - now - strangely, I see it in reverse. The faint ghosting like a death shroud of the old me over my female appearance. Its like a faint echo from the past. Perhaps thats what others see but I have been blind to it. 'oh would some power the giftie gie us - to see ourselves as others see us' sums it up I guess. Just for a moment I do in fact see me as an outsider might.. I am exhausted yet dont want to sleep, tonite is my last night in my present form. Its been hateful at times but its me at least. Who knows how I will feel after surgery. Its like being in a small boat, the near shore is now receding and is almost out of sight, the far shore has not come into view. How will I feel when this is over ? How can I know ? I rather uspsect in a few days these jottings will seem somewhat melodramatic, whimsical even, perhaps immature like schoolgirl love poetry. Soon now it will be Eagle Day, time to spread my wings, or perhaps fall out of the nest and knock myself unconscious - we'll see wont we ? Finally I have to remove all jewellry. I take out my studs. I smile a bit - it doesnt seem like so long ago just having my ears peirced was a big deal - compared to whst ahead its strictly small beer now for sure. I tell the nurse I want my 3 rings left on - they have lots of special significance to me and she says its ok they can tape those up for me. Each of my rings marks a big event in my life. After this op there will be a fourth, a white gold one. But first - tomorrow. 23:30 PM My last day as a 'shemale' is almost over. Its time for me to sleep. Dear Diary - please give my love to Bernice without whose support I know I could never do this. If it all fucks up Bernie - I always loved you. God I am so sorry things were as they were - please believe me I would have done ANYTHING to have it different. God Damn this illness, this lunacy of mine. Its taken so much from me - my life in fact - but all the time I have you as a friend I know I will cope no matter what happens to me. Give my love to the kids and let them always know who I was. Thats enough Mel, get a grip on yourself. So many things left undone, so much I never said or did. Your out of time now honey, there never was enough time. Time only now to sleep. My last day as this half thing, mutant, and hope for a new life...... 9th September, 2004 ( GRS Day - Rebirth ) Operation scheduled to start at 08:30 07:00 AM Wake up in a pool of sweat, its been a bad nights sleep. I keept getting too hot and waking myself up. I go to the bathroom and run a final bath to try and calm myself down. This is it !!!!!! 07:30 AM Out of bath and laying on bed, one of the nurses pops in to tape my rings up. All my makeup has been scrubbed off. I am dressed in a blue check surgical gown with paper panties and a bandana on my head. Only 1 hour to go, 60 minutes, I watch the clocks sweep hand slowly count down. I take a deep breath and pray to tyhe lesser God that made me to intercede, please help me now Goddess I need you. I look over at Rapunzel Barbi smiling at me - yes its ok for you bitch - you got made just as you were supposed to. I go to the bathroom and take a pee then return to my bed and think deep thoughts......... 08:00 AM Carla appears with another nurse to get the surgical full length stockings on me. Oh delightful, I joke that its a shame they dont let me wear seams for this. While this is going on Mr Thomas pops his head in the door to check we are all ok and on schedule. I am so scared I am mute and just nod and smile weakly. Less than 30 minutes now, its some idea how perhaps a condemned man may feel. Theres a sense of inevtibility about it all now. Christ the time is going slow I keep checking the clock to make sure it hasnt stopped. 25 minutes from zero hour - Oh my God a giant erection - where the fuck did that come from. How can you possibly be erect down ther facing this. 15 minutes to go - two nurses come in, get me to lie down, the sides of the bed go up - we are off. Oh my God - this is it !!! Goddess help me now please, help me be strong for this final ride. My nerves feel like they are being run across wire wool. The OR is only just down the hall from my bedroom. We go through the double doors, turn smartly right - through another set of doors and we are in the operating suites ante room. Its all brilliant white in here. A sharp turn left into the pre-operating / anasthesia room - My heart rate must be off the clock by now. I bite my index finger and sob a bit from fear. As soon as the brakes go on its like a Formula One pitstop nurses are attaching electrodes to me, pressure cuffs for blood pressure, a canular is stuck into my left hand ( thats one of those needles that stay in - with like a valve on the outside). The anaesthetist asks me if I have a cat ( I have some small scratches on that hand ) I nod yes - he smiles and pats my hand and says ok - we will be starting soon. One of the nurses holds my hand and whispers 'it will be ok sweetheart - honest - try and relax' I am looking ahead of me at the double doors - through there is what ? A new life, a disaster waiting to happen ?- Part of me is screaming 'GET OFF THE FUCKING TROLLY MEL - ANOTHER FEW SECONDS AND IT WILL BE TOO LATE - GET OFF THE TROLLEY YOU STUPID BITCH - DO IT NOW' but theres a calmer voice spinning round in there saying 'dont be stupid, dont give in to fear - you KNOW how you felt when the first GRS was scrubbed, when the 1st DVT robbed you of your second GRS attempt and when after the pulmonary embolism you were told no surgery would ever be possible for you - what happened then Mel ? - Remember being in tears, crying yourself to sleep every night for weeks, the suicide attempts, the self harm attacks - THOSE ARE THE TRUE FEELING - this demon begging you to abandon is is just stage fright' on and on it goes spinning round inside...... 'Melanie I want you to take 5 deep breaths' its the anaesthatist - I draw in a big breath....ONE I pull in a second....TWO....bang - nothing darkness reaches up to claim me and its like a light going out. Time Uncertain ( probably around 12:30 ) I am fighting through a fog of darkness as I come out from the anaesthetic. I am vaguely aware of Liz at my side holding my hand out. I am aware of a voice screaming and groaning - its my own voice - everything seems to hurt, then a fog of numbness comes down - I cant feel much but can hear myself moaning loudly. I cant feel much of the operation site - it just feels like I have been hit by a truck - EVERYTHING hurts. The only dim awareness I have of the op site is a stinging feeling - its the catheter I expect. Liz smiles and says something like 'Welcome back Mel, the operation has gone fine, just relax' One of the nurses on my right side - I cant see her as I cant seem to get control over my own muscles says something like 'Melanie your a woman now, a real woman, real women can take a bit of pain' I cant respond, I think its said as a joke I am too groggy to really care I pass back out to the darkness. 16:00 PM I am finally awake enough to write up the last bit of the diary and catch the impressions. Its taken ages - I am in and out of slumber and the notes are very rough. I am aware of a big bouquet that a good friend has sent next to my bed. It cheers me a bit when I woke up - it was beautiful in fact. The first thing I saw as it had been placed on my table in front of me with a big balooon saying 'congratulations'. You know who you are who sent it - my thanks it was beyond words really. I feel myself all over - it hurts a bit but I dont have any feelings of regret at all. Just tiredness and glad its over and been done now. I cry a little from the relief. 22:30 PM I have been lapsing into sleep and wakefulness, never very awake, never fully asleep, a sort of twilight world. Minutes take hours to pass. My back is aching, its hot, I am thirsty non stop but too ill to reach to get anything to drink most of the time. It feels like slow torture. Nurses come in very regularlay to check my readings, give me a morphin shot for the pain and make sure I am ok. I am wired up like a machine - leads and tubes are all over the place. In my nostrils are oxygen feeders, on the top of my right arm I have a blood pressure cuff that automatically inflates and checks blood pressure every 20 minutes or so that keeps waking me up when it goes BRRRRRRR to inflate. On my left hand I have a canular still in thats feeding me pain relief and liquids plus on my right hand a peg like thing on my finger to measure heartbeat - its taped on me. Down below there are two drains in me groin on the left and right, a catheter in me. My legs are encased in surgical stockings and also some inflatable boots that inflate and deflate every few minutes to try and reduce my risk for a DVT. They have tubes in them from the machine that controls them. Between all the machinery whirring, the occasional beeps from the monitoring gear, the 3 different cuffs all inflating and deflating at different times plus the basic discomfort it all makes for a rough sleeping pattern. I am aware of people shotting me up with morphin and it brings a peace to me each time. The op site is covered in a T-Bandage - its a very tight bandage stuffed with padding and cotton wool. Its tight and uncofortable. Inside me when I move I can feel the pack - the giant piece of dressing stuffed into the vagina to hold the vagina open after the operation in the early stages of healing - it feels like I am sat on a steel bar and its very uncomfortable. At some point today Mr Thomas popped in to tell me it all went very well, no problems and the op was very succeesful. I smile weakly. I dont show much gratitude I suppose but I am so tired I doubt I could show much of anything right now. 10th September, 2004 ( GRS +1 ) All day stuck in bed. Terrible backache. It just seems to go one and on and one. The heat is terrible. I am soaked in sweat often, thirsty, starving for some food. Its very wretched. A few people call on the phone but I am too groggy and exhausted to talk. The day drags on and on, its relentless and I surrender to it, just react passively and let it wash over me. Dont fight, just accept, it will soon be over. The tubes and stuff in me become really irritating and my uerethra is sore as hell. From the op site its the only thing I can feel really is the odd sharp stinging pain down there. At 7pm Mr Thomas goes past and drops in to see how I am, he tells me the op was very good, one of his best he thinks. He tells me they used a new type of pack on me as they got good depth at operation and the new style pack will hopefully help retain that. The pain is bad today. Not from the op just the backache, leg pain and such like. Priscilla the nurse tells me it sometimes gets girls like that because during the op your on your back for 4 hours with your legs in the air in stirrups. The diary is a bit hazy today, I cant be bothered with it really. 11th September, 2004 ( GRS +2 ) Last night was awful. Crying and sobbing in pain from my back. This morning I am pulled upright a bit to ease the pain and it seems much better for a while. The boredom is bad as well. I am too drugged to watch TV or read. I just stare morosely out of the window. 11:00 AM Nurse Nicole come to take the drains out for me. They sting a bit on removal but I am given some Enterox ( Gas and Air mix ) so it doesnt hurt too bad. 16:00 PM Its just going on as usual, sweating and backache and just general boredom, hungry all the time. Its possibly the worst few days of my life. I rally my resources and go within to avoid it all. I lay back and think of the past, play mindgames etc. Soon this will be over and I will be whole. Pain and fear never last long. Today has been torment. Without the back pain it would be bearable but boring. I havent written much to the diary because nothing is happening. I am just laying here in splendid misery alone. 12th September, 2004 ( GRS +3 ) 09:00 AM Wake up after a solid nights sleep. A lot of the machinery was removed yesterday so I could sleep a little better and could roll on my side a bit for some relief from the back ache. If I lie on the side with a pillow between my legs the back ache abates but the op site throbs. I swing between the two laying on my side till the throb between my legs gets too bad, then roll on my back until the back ache gets too bad. During the night the T Bandage has come to pieces. I cant see the op site because I dont have a mirror handy and right now I am not sure I want to look either. Carla comes to change the T bandage with another nurse. They have to pull the new one on tight - Owwwww it hurts as they pull it to maximum tightness. Carla warns me and tells me they will do it on 3. 1 - 2 - 3 I gasp out oooh that was not funny at all lets hope we dont have to do that again in a hurry. 11:00 AM Liz bounds in and tells me that Mr Thomas is on his way to do some rounds. She looks at me and says something like 'Right time to pretty you up Melanie, get you washed and made up and in a nice nightie for Mr Thomas - cant have you laying around like a mess' Liz buzzes around stripping off stuff like the inflatable leg cuffs, most of the machinery has slowly been removed. She 'bullies' me in a jolly way and sorts out all my washing stuff for me. I shave and wash and brush my teeth and then makeup a bit and put on one of my own bandanas. Finally Liz selects a nightie for me from the ones I bought and helps me get into it. She steps back and says that I look much better - I feel it too. Its really easy to just lose it all laying there. 13:00 PM Mr Thomas pays a flying visit on a Sunday - apparantly he doesnt normally but he wanted to see me and another girl as we are new post ops. I gather the other girl has had some minor complications. He telle me the pack will come out Tuesday morning. That this new pack hasnt been used much by him but that he is hoping it will yield very good results. Later my ex wife comes over with my kids. I am too exhausted to talk much but hopefully seem happy. She doesnt stay long as the kids get bored. Cant say I blame them really. After she goes with the kids I sleep a bit. 19:00 PM Have been feeling really faint and nauseous most of the afternoon. Lack of food I suppose. THis existence in a bed is so grim I can only admire other girls who have done this. Its really starting to be a trial to me now. This has turned into a real trial of endurance. Its slowly killing me I think. If I could opt out now I would. I would trade the whole thing for a burger and a decent nights sleep. Too late now - your committed Mel theres only forwards as an option. I smile ruefully. I went into this well read up but the reality is much worse. 13th September, 2004 ( GRS +4 ) 01:00 AM I cant sleep, my head is banging away and whizzing with thoughts....... Was the operation worth it ? I cant be objective right now - I am in too high a degree of pain, discomfort and anxiety. How painful is it ? I'll try and explain....imagine sitting in an uncomfortable chair, like a long haul airline flight. Now imagine they left a car jack on the set and you had to sit on that. After a while your legs ache, your arse goes numb your legs cramp etc etc - ok multiply that by 10 now think about doing it for 4 days. You have an idea what post op existence is like at this stage. Theres no sharp pain, just a gradually increasing level of discomfort OK so was it worth it all ? I still cant say - right now I would trade the lot for a hot cup of tea and some food. One of the things I think about now is that I did do lots of research, asked lots of questions and was still unprepared for it all. In my view laying here now there really is insufficient support and counselling for all this. for me I accepted so much of it and its also been a slow and sure journey - for others, well it could all come as a bit of shock I am sure. You see for me with a barrage of medical problems there was a strong deire to get a move on before some other problem appeared which may cause the op to scrub. GRS was never my main interest but it became a case of 'all or nothing at all' a very real possibility that if I dont go for it now it may soon be not possible at all. To assess the risks for me relied on three different branches of medicine ( haemotology, cardiac and gender psychiatry ) each had differing appraches, needs and priorities - to balance each one took some judgement and to work out just WHAT was the best way forward. How do I feel about it ? Well I am not unhappy, not worried I made a bad call - would just have preferred I think to have stayed pre-op in some ways. Does it or will it change you much ? No - not really - I am still me - still Melanie, still the girl I always was. Does this end the transformation process ? No - because all of my life I have been transforming QUEER - PANSY - FAGGOT - QUEEN - TRANNY - BUMBOY - NANCY BOY - CROSSDRESSER - T GIRL TRANSEX - WOMAN - SHEMALE So many changes of stautus and how people see me in my lifetime. some changes made by me, some by societies perception of me. A constant ebb and flow of perception, the desireable shemale, the disgusting pervert tranny - none are the real me - Melanie the woman the one who just wants an ordinary life. People just want to impose their own fantasies or irrational hatred on me mostly. I fall asleep at some point. 08:30 AM I wake up and feel a bit better - enough to gulp down some of the clear soup - I havent been eating it the last few days. I also eat some lemon jelly. Tonite I have been told I can have some light food - starting at 3pm when I will be allowed a cup of tea with milk and some biscuits. I start watching the clock for that - just 7 hours to go, 6 hours and 59 minutes, 6 hours and 58 minutes and 20 seconds - God I am bored and desperate for that cup of tea.. 09:00 AM My back is bad - I feel ok(ish) so hop out of bed slowly to stand up - whoooo my head spins a bit and my knees shake 'MELANIE - what ARE you doing ?' Whoooops Carla has come in behind me. I look abashed and get back on the bed. Carla is angry with me and threatens me with a prolapse, I apologise and look weepy - she says she knows how bad I want to be up but to get this op to work requires lots of expertise from the surgeons and the nursing staff no one wants to see it ruined because I cant behave myself. I nod and apologise and promise I wont do it again. I feel like a little girl and pout a bit and look contrite. 12:00 Noon I crap myself. I started having a bad attack of wind a few hours agao all of a sudden a huge fart explodes out of me and my stomach lets go with a huge pile of pooh - now where could that have come from as I havent eaten anything ? I lay there as it oozes out stuffing a knuckle in my mouth - oh great ! What do I do now ? I summon a nurse and have to put my hands up to this one 'sorry nurse - lil melly did a smelly in her panties' The nurse laughs and says its ok - lots of girls get this problem, its all the anti-biotics and things. I roll on my side and try to hide my embarassment. I always said being TS is absolutely not for the nervous or timid of disposition - if your shy at the start of the process you wont be by the time you get across the finishing line. Carla comes in to see how the clean up job is going and I am told to lie still - it seems some of my stitches have come loose - Oh God NO ! Shit ! Shit ! Shit ! Shit ! Why couldnt I have done as I was told - this is what comes of getting out of bed. Mr Thomas is summoned - he says its ok - just a few small stitches on the labia - no drama he will decide whether to res-stitch or leave it in a few days. He smiles at me and tells me no panic, it looks much worse than it is and when the swelling goes down it will be hardly noticeable. I breathe a huge sigh of relief. Some thoughts, so many girls speak so glowingly of GRS - for me it has had all the charm of a colostomy and the spritually uplifting experience of an enema. Its just been a bloody awful grind as far as I can see. Theres no romance to it at all - I never thought there would be myself and now I know for sure. I can now see why post ops so often smile enigmatically when pre-ops rave on about their desire for SRS. 14:40 PM We are in sight now of the cup of tea - I am sat up watching the corridior anxiously, licking my lips for the tea and the biscuit coming soon. I watch the clock non-stop. 14:45 PM Still waiting for that cup of tea 14:50 PM Just 10 minutes to go - perhaps they will be early today - God I hope they arent late. 15:00 PM I am sure I heard the tea trolly go past - perhaps someone has left my room sign to say clear fluids only. Surely not. 15:05 PM Still no sign of the tea trolley - perhaps I got forgotten. Be a bit patient 15:10 PM They forget me - I know it. Tears sting at my eyes, another few minutes and I will page a nurse. 15:20 PM I am almost in tears - hurray the cup of tea arrives with two shortbread biscuits. I pace myself and try to take it slowly. My hands are shaking like a crack addict with the need for this. I slurp the tea down noisly and quickly - Oh God - I fall back on the pillows that tasted SOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING GOOD ! I pour myself another cup and munch the bicuits while slurping on the tea - mmmmhhhhhh ! Finally I have the third cup I raise it in an imaginary toast to other girls like me who may be coming off their own NPO or CLO diets - heres looking at you lot and the best of luck to you all. Then I lie back. I glance round - ohhhh some grapes were left a few days ago - I reach out and eat a few - just one or two cant do any harm I am sure. Oh they taste fantastic. Carla comes back and clears all the stuff away and helps me get sat up and puffs up my pillows and things while she is there I ask what I should order for tonites meal - I am a bit uncertain and she suggests something very light, an omellete perhaps. It seems good advice after the tums problems earlier so i order up an omellete and some fries with another pot of tea. I feel SO much better after that cup of tea - its a very English thing. No matter the disaster a hot cup of tea will sort it all out. Here I am half starved, in pain and discomfort, feeling like hell. One cup of tea with milk and sugar and all is set to rights and I could now take on a small European country. It brings back memories to me of the guy who sent the big bouquet to me. We spent a weekend together, he is a gay rubber fetishist, I am a transexual rubber fetish fan. We ended up sitting on his back lawn reading the Sunday papers and drinking Pimms and lemonade in canvas chairs - so much of our culture drags onto us that we may think we are rebels and alternate but so often its all illusion - the cultural imperative is stronger ( OK Mel enough of the Sunday magazine style observations get back to the surgery and stuff - Ed ) 17:00 PM Oh dear - another vast crap deluge. How on earth did two shortcake biscuits turn into what must be 2lbs of pooh at least. Once again I have to page and fess up to doing a pooh in my panties. I beg with Carla to be allowed to use the loo but she is resolute and says no - still confined to bed and tells me its ok the nurses know what its like and theres nothing to be ashamed of. Sure when you not the one laying here in a pile of pooh - I sulk and glare at her. She laughs and says its only another day till I get up and if I am going to be disobedient she will put the bed sides up and lock them. As a consolation I am put in panties now at least and told I can drop the T-Bandage after they check with Mr Thomas. 19:00 PM Just finished my evenening meal of omelette and fries and some tea. It was lovely but I am totally full after just a few mouthfuls. Within a few minutes as well my stomach is hurting badly as it struggles to cope with some solid foods. Indigestion and stomach cramps. I lie back and ignore it - yeah go on do what you like tummy but your still eating breakfast tomorrow. 22:00 PM Meet a new nurse on tonite. She comes in to say hello and we have a laugh over my errant tummy. Tells me she heard from Carla I was naughty about getting out of bed and she will be keeping a close eye on me - we laugh together and I feel a lot better. She suggest she could leave a bed pan for me - it will be better perhaps for me. I agree. She chats all girly to me about boyfriends and stuff and we giggle away its great medicine for me. 23:00 PM Aaaargggggghhhhhh JESUS H KEEERIST - I just used the bed pan and thought while I was propped up on it I would use a hand mirror from my cosmetics kit to get my first good llook at the operation area. In seconds I am hitting the nurse call button like mad - come on, come on pleeeeeeeeese - the new nurse rushes in. 'Whatevers up Mel ?'' I cry and blub -' its, its its my clitty, its gone all black' - I burst into tears. ' A-a-a-and thers s big wound down the side with bl-bl-bloooooood leaking out - Oh-oh-oh please help me' every post op horror story bursts over me......... 'Ok Mel - come on calm down and let me look'' 'An-and theres something coming out my vagina - it looks like skin - I'm sure its not right'' The nurse gets some gloves on and takes a look - I am laying back crying, praying to my Goddess, please help me, please. The nurse smiles and says 'ok Mel - your clitty IS black - its ok its an iodine based paste we put on it after the op - its ok really. The wound - well thats the few stitches that popped, it looks bad cos its wept a lot but its really only a tiny wound honest - look'' I look down using a mirror - oh I am faint with relief 'what about that stuff leaking out my vagina ?' I ask. 'That Mel is your pack'' she laughs and tells me it looks like skin because the whole area is partly dyed by all the betadine and iodine stuff so the pack has taken on a skin tone color and also feels like skin because its made of a leather feeling substance. I just lie back and breathe deeply and then laugh ruefully - what a bloody idiot I must seem. Total drama queen. The nurse laughs and pinches my arm and says its ok - she can understand how it may feel seeing it for the first time like that. I tell her its not her fault as she had assumed I had seen it before. I did very briefly when they changed my T-Bandage earlier but I didnt really get a good look. Part of it is the bloody painkillers, I am so woozy half the time I am not really with it. 14th September, 2004 ( GRS +5 ) 08:00 AM I am halfway through my breakfast when Mr Thomas comes in - time to get the pack out and start dilation cycle up. I push the breakfast away ( Damn ! I was enjoying that too - dont expect I'll enjoy pack removal half so much ). My nerves are running a bit hig so before I even have my panties down I am asking about the open wound I saw last night - he looks passingly exasperated and tell me 'ok well it may be a good idea to let me at least have a look first' he does it with just the right tone. I apologise. A few seconds later Carla comes in with a bottle of Enterox and a breather tube for it. More gas and air. It makes your head very light and puts you in a very happy state. A few good pufs and you are in la-la land and wouldnt feel much if they hacked your leg off. I get sucking down the old Enterox as quick as I can - before Mr Thomas gets a chance to do much. My feeling is right now that each of us has a critical role to play. Mr Thomas needs all his concentration and skill to obeserve the pack and dilate me, Carla needs to monitor vital signs and to make sure I am ok - my task is to get myself out of my head on the wonderful Enterox gas. Mr Thomas snips a few bits round the pack - I feel a few things down there distantly go ping then it feels - ohhh weird, not painful but very curious feeling as the pack starts unwinding. It feels totally alien to anything the closest I could put it down to would be love beads being pulled out of you but thats a really rough equivalent. I glance down and wish I hadnt - I wish for the ten millionth time I wasnt so curious - ewwww the pack is unravelling on the bed and its not a vert pretty sight for sure.. I dont feel much pain. By myth pack removal is the moment of greatest pain for a GRS patient. I found it weird but no pain at all. Once the packs out its dilation time. This time I decide to put my head back and think of England and not look regardless. I caught a look just now of some nasty looking instruments on a trolley that Carla had wheeled in and decide for this bit its best not to be too nosy. I draw in more Enterox gas and let my head spin and imagine what I can feel is sex in progress, I breathe deeply and let my muscles relax. I hear Mr Thomas say to Carla 'I think we got very good vaginal depth' I look down and Carla asks me to hold the end of the stent ( its basically a perspex dildo ). I sigh with happiness, almost the whole stent is in me - thats means a vaginal depth of probably 6.5" at least. Thank you Goddess. Mr Thomas and Carla leave me after telling me to hold the stent un for at least 20 minutes and that Carla will be back soon. Carla tells me its a good idea to have a look and to feel it all so I can tell how far the stent fits in so I know how far to push later on. I lay back and smile. I am so happy. Carla comes back and tells me its ok now I can let the stent come out - its been in there maybe 25 minutes. I was tapping its end to make it vib a little bit to see what it feels like. Its all a bit numb down there right now. After the stents been taken away Carla gets another nurse in to help me get out of bed I am very wobbly on my feet and even just a few moments makes me go dizzy. They sit me down in a char with some nice fulffy cushions and tell me to just relax and sit back for a bit. I will be very weak from the bed rest and the blood pressure will be all over the place to start with. They arent kidding - just a few steps and my legs go wobbly and my head spins. 12:00 Noon A bath - mmmhhh luxury at last I just lie back in it and enjoy the lovely hot water feeling it easing my back aches away. I almost fall asleep. Carla comes in after a bit with my douche kit to show me how to douche myself. She runs through the instructions and then I have to insert it. I lay back in the empty bath, I am feeling really trembly at this point. I slowly get the douching bottles nozzle in me and fire off the betadine stuff inside to clean me out. What leaks out is blood, old bits of what looks like dressings and bits of dead skin. Its pretty grim. The bright red blood alarms me but Carla reassures me its all quite normal. After I am dry Carla hands me a little present - my stents ( standard Charing Cross ones in 25mm and 30mm widths and are supplied as part of the cost ) she helps me do my first dilation, patiently spending time with me to make sure I get it all right. Its a bit painful but I am so happy. I have good depth and its not as painful as I expected. I am determined to push dilation to the maximum each time so as not to lose depth. Just after dilation lunch is served. Carla helps to clean me up and washes my stents for me telling me next time I have to do it ALL myself but for now she will wash the stents as my dinner is here. I eat my dinner - afterwards I intend to make up to my best. In fact I fall asleep exhausted. 15:30 PM The tea trolley wakes me up. I have some tea and then decide I should make up and look good now that I can be up and about albeit with a catheter attached. I drink down the tea fast , anxious to get on. As I make up I find myself humming that old tune 'your once, twice, three times a lady' and the next thing I know I burst into tears. You see this is in fact both my 3rd transition attempt and also my 3rd attempt to get GRS for me. I go back to the bedrooma and sit on the bed and cry thinking how many girls I have known who never made it, Sharon, Tracey, Becky, Debs, Julie so many of them. Dead, brain damaged, crippled - I just cry. Its time at last to let them go - they wouldnt want me to spend my post op life crying over things in the long past. Just before being admitted for surgery I was offered by a reputable scriptwriter the chance to tell my story as a young TS, the abuse and haterd, how I kept the love inside me alive. I agreed with some conditions. Oh God so many people have been guilty, respectable people only obeying orders, they have hurt us and harmed us, killed and injured friends - I so badly want to tell the stories so the ones who didnt make it can be rememberd and perhaps people will come to see us TS as people with feelings, women who through no fault of their own have been victimised and harassed, hounded. I cry for the many girls who didnt get through it all, those who went under in hate attacks and similar. Goddess please take them in your care. 16:30 PM I am now dressed up and made up and feel fine. A little sad after earlier but thats just me. I go for a walk around the corridors to stretch the legs, taking it slowly and meet Vicky a TS in for her op - she is a few days ahead of me. We chat for a bit and then I find myself tiring so return to my room for dinner. 18:00 PM Dinner in my room. The foods good, excellent in fact and for a while I forget all the aches and pains and just enjoy the meal. One of the nurses drops in to tell me Dr Reid ( my gender psych ) called - he will be along to the hopsital later and wondered if he could see me. I tell her of course - I would be delighted. I am glad I dressed up now. After dinner I go touch my makeup up and tidy the room up so it looks ok. Dr Reid has helped me so much in acheiving my goals I want to show him I was worth his time. 20:00 PM Dr Reid hasnt appeared so I imagine he was probably delayed and go back to chat to Vicky. A few moments later I hear his voice ask 'Melanie ?' I turn round and he is in the doorway - I jump up so pleased to see him. I show him back to my room and offer him a drink but he declines. We sit and chat about just trivial stuff a little about my post op needs and things but mostly just as friends. I know he will be busy so I dont press him when he has to go - but I cant help myself - I grab him and cuddle him and tell him thankyou for all he has done. He laughs gently - he will know how I feel anyway. I walk him to the end of the corridor and wish him Godspeed for his journey home. Afterwards I wander back to see Vicky - she teases me about Dr Reid and says stuff like 'mmmhhh are you after him Melanie ?' I laugh and tell her no but I AM very grateful to him. We tease each other about the Doctors on the ward - she has a bit of a crush on Mr Thomas she tells me - we both laugh. Its just girl talk. 22:00 PM I wander back to my room and just fall asleep. I am exhausted. A few days on no food just not exercising- its amazing it feels like I have partied for a month. 14th September, 2004 ( GRS +5 ) 08:00 AM Up and about at 7:30, washed and brushed up ready for breakfast. The surgical site has a sort of numb ache in it all the time. I shrug it aside and tuck in to a breakfast and some coffee. 10:00 AM First dilation process of the day - I only had to do it twice yesterday as Carla told me not to strain it on the firts day of dilation. I was in truth exhausted. The process takes ages. I have to keep checking and rechecking everything. Plus the pain and twinges mean I have to go very slowly everywhere. Simple things take a lot longer. 10:40 AM The dilation process is all finished. I leave the stents to soak in some hibiscrub and go for a wander. I spot another TS - I assume she is behind me by a few days and she looks very unhappy. I feel I should say hi to her but she may not want company - dont push Mel. 11:00 AM Carla tells me she has a present for me and winks - I follow her back to my room - she gets out a flip flow. Its a valve that fits on my catheter so I dont have to have the bag with me. Every two hours I just go to the loo and point it in and switch the valve to 'pee' and voila. It seems a good idea so she fits it to my catheter. 16:00 PM Lunch is over and I have douched and dilated again. After dilating I look at myself in the mirror nude - I smile - Yes its a woman looking back. No other surgery could have wrought that. Boobs, facial work, nude looking at me anyone would conclude its a woman. Batterd and bruised and damaged in so many ways but a woman - I made it. I sit and read in the afternoon and then one of the nurses pops in to say they just admitted a TS female for GRS. She is a bit nervy and has suggested she may like company - would I be happy to meet her ? I tell her of course, happy to meet up. Carla leaves for her last time - she is off to get married - I give her a card I got one of the nurses to get for me - I hug her and thanks her for all her help. I am sad to know she wont be here to see me leave. 19:00 PM Dinner is over and I sit and relax on the bed and read. 10:30 PM Last dilation of the day. This time its hell, the douche wont go in right, the stents hurt like hell and I bleed lots. By the time its over I am exhausted and just go to bed. 15th September, 2004 ( GRS +6 ) 08:00 AM Awaken and get washed. The pain is much better today. The catheter has been a bit 'stingy' overnight. I have been calling my catheter bag R2-P2 as its blue and white and follows me around all the time. Today the catheter comes out and its so stingy down there I wonder if its going to hurt much. Mr Thomas pays a flying visit and asked if I was writing a diary. I said yes - he just smiled as if to say 'Oh dear - how sad, why do all you girls carry on so your all so boringly predictable' I laugh about that. Mr Thomas goes off and a few moments later I see the new girl being wheeled off to theatre. I smile seeing the tightness of her face. I know how she will be feeling about now I silently wish her well. 10:00 AM Firts douche and dilation of the day. I can see whay B B King wrote 'I got my Mo-Jo working' but Carole King never wrote 'I got my douche bag working' and stuck to more cheerful stuff. As I dilate I ponder. Perhaps the pain and stuff is why guys have an obsession with their dicks while women have no such obsession about their cunts. A cock is like a fun thing, low maintenance, easy to care for a sort of mass production sports car. A vagina on the other hand is an altogether more complex piece of kit, maintenance is much more complex and specialised like a space based weapons system. High maintenance, aggravating and expensive but ultimately much more powerful. Vaginas are fun too but in an entirely different way. Dicks are like a childs toy where a vagina is more like a Bond villains space based laser system - the funs not in using it but knowing what it can do !!!! 12:00 Noon Time for the catheter to come out. I ask the nurse if this hurts and she says no. She gives me a big shot of anti-biotics. Right in the bum cheek. Then its time to get on my back, legs spread while she deflates the catheter and pulls it clear - I nearly hit the ceiling on this one, it feels like a piece of razor wire being pulled down my urethra. My fingernails claw into my thighs. I tell her she lied - it bloody did hurt - she laughs and says 'oh it doesnt hurt - just smarts a bit' I laugh. It feels much better with the catheter out of me. Now I dont have the cathter in I go for longish walk. I have been extending my range and endurance but now I put on some heels and go for a quick walk outside. I get dizzy really quick ( altitude sickness from the heels ? ) 17:00 PM No sign of needing a wee yet - I keep feeling myself internally to see if I need one sort of worried that perhaps I will wet myself. Its all abit numb down there still. One of the nurses tells me if I dont go for a wee soon they will have to consider recathing me. 19:00 PM I have had two runs to the loo to wee now as a girl. It feels so weird, all the muscle groups and sensations feel very different. I have another douche and dilate and then Mr Thomas appears to have a look at the stitches that had come loose and he tells me he will do a few extra stitches and see how it goes. I get a quick local anaesthetic and then he puts just a few stitches into my outer labia. 22:00 PM Disaster strikes - I knew it was all going too well. I have been feeling a bit woozy for a few hours. I go super light headed and just fall on the bad and pass out. Time Uncertain One of the nurses finds me passed out, my temperature is running really high and a bad water infection is suspected. I feel dreadful, like bad flu. I was due to be let go tomorrow now it seems unlikley. 16th September, 2004 ( GRS +7 ) 01:00 AM I am writing this in absolute agony to try and take my mind off the pain I have been crying and screaming for two hours. The pain in my bladder is absolutely awful. The nurses give me two huge hits of morphin to try and get me through but the pain is absolutely terrible. I keep getting off the bed to lie on the floor as it feels better for me. It just goes on and on. The test me with an ultra sound machine to see if theres anything wrong but nothing shows up. It feels like my bladder will explode - I am weeing about every 20 minutes but its intensely painful each time enough so that each time I wee my throat is torn raw from the screams I emit - Oh God I dont know whats wrong. The nurses tell me theres nothing showing - its just a bad infection. I find its easier if I stand up and double over the bed. laying down is becoming unbrearable. The night goes on forever and I am screaming and crying and totally out of control through most of it. 03:00 AM Still in most awful pain - after another morphin hit I passed out for about 30 minutes - so far tonite I have had more morphin than following the op. 04:00 AM I am back to yelling, the painkillers arent doing a fucking thing and I am on at the nursing staff non-stop. They keep scanning me and checking but cant see anything wrong. I am terrified, the pain is so bad its beyond anything I have ever experienced. 06:00 AM Same as above - pain is killing me. 08:00 AM Day shift nurses come in to find me laying on floor moaning and crying. They try to get me back on the bed but even the tiniest movemnet has me screaming my head off. A Doctor is called for me and he suggests its retention and I should be recathed immediately. I beg and plead not to be recathed. I plead for a few chances to wee and prove its not retention and after a lot of tears the Doctor says I can have one go only. If I cant void the bladder than they have to recath me. The nurses help me to the loo, I strain to go but nothing comes out. I am crying and begging Cathy one of the nurses not to recath me. Pleading and crying like a child - but she takes my hand and says 'Sorry Mel - we have to - theres too big a danger now you'll injure yourself - come on you will be ok' They get me on the bed and Cathy holds my hand while one of the other nurses gets me recatheterised. I lay there sobbing. The pain though starts to subside quite quickly. I lay there and just drift off as the pain lets go of me. The problem is in fact I have gone into retention. The catheter bag fill up to almost 2 litres !!!!! 08:30 AM Mr Thomas comes in to see whats gone wrong - he seems unhappy I have had problems and concerned for me lots. He seems to take it as a failure on his part even though retention and urinary infections are quite common post op. He reassures me all will be ok - I have just been a bit unlucky. Afterwards I fall asleep after an awful night the drugs finally take effect and I sleep. 14:00 PM Awake again have missed dilation after dilation recently. I feel a bit better though. Obviosuly in a calmer mood recatheterising me was the only way forward. 21:00 PM Today has gone past in a haze really after last nights experiences. Despite my best efforts I have come up one dilation short again. Just too tired and ill to get it done right now. even getting on to my feet for a few moments make my head spin. It seems I will be let free tomorrow assuming no more problems. Its only been just over a week yet I can hardly recall the start of it; The thrill of arriving and knowing its all now on, the crushing and lonely firts night in here, the fear of the ride down to theatre, the post op 'shock', the drugged out days in bed but most of all the lovely last few days as a complete woman at last. One of my get well cards shows a cute baby koala in a pink nightie asleep with the script 'New Baby Girl' I suppose that sums it all up perfectly. Its been like a rebirth. 17th September, 2004 ( GRS +8 ) 10:00 AM Up at 08:00 to bathe, douche and dilate and then get made up and dressed. I stopped pain killers yesterday and it shows too - pain from down there is a bit nasty right now. I'll hack it - things like this should never be bought cheap. 12:00 Noon I am released, my ex wife comes to pick me up. I pack my things and feel a bit sad to be leaving. The staff have been so wonderful. The fantastic skill of my surgeon and his team, I gaze around my room and wonder what girl will be here next - I hope she also finds what she needs here. I have a hug bag handed to me by one of the nurses - its all my take home stuff. betadine douche kit, pessaries, pain killers, extra cartons of Aqua-Gel ( KY equivalent ), creams to apply to the suture lines, extra packets of warfarain as I have run a bit short - the nurse laughingly calls it my party bag. When I arrived only a week or so back it was all so strange now it has become like home, my first home as a woman perhaps. My ex loads my bags into the car and we drive away. I look back longingly. Once again I am in tears 'Mel, whats up she asks ?' worried I may be in pain. I smile and dab my eyes. I cant find the words to explain the feelings in me - I am a woman at last, my dreams finally came true. Dad used to tell me 'Even the darkest night has its dawn, the widest ocean its shore' he was right. Its been a lifetimes journey but at last its over and I can finally live...................... Addendum for those who owuld like to read an account of Gender reassignment from a different source I woud really recommned Lannie Roses account of it - you can read it HERE . Lannies account really helped me in many ways and like mine it is unvarnished and true to life.   Back to Transformation Diary Back to Features and Articles Section Some pictures of the Sussex Nuffield and the views from the hospital , Mr Thomas my surgeon and some of the wonderful nursing staff who looked after me during my stay while having GRS.