October
2005
13th October, 2005
A friend is in for her GRS - I pray for her. She will be operated
on at the same hospital as me and I am glad she is in safe hands. I make a call
as soon as she is out of surgery to make sure she is
alright.
14th
October, 2005
An
appointment with my gender psych Dr Reid. As ever its wonderful to see him and
this time I am with my partner. We have a leisurely converation and DR Reid
seems very happy. My partner and I likewise. We chat and tell Dr Reid about our
respective surgeries and I have my hormones adjusted for the coming year. I am
free of te Oestrogel cream which I have hated for some
time.
Afterwards we
go to the science museum for a look around before heading for home. I throw the
last remaining tube of Oestrogel away and as it lands in the bin a reflect it
wasnt all that long ago I was so happy to be given it as part of my hormones.
Time moves on and its part of my past now. One less drug I need. For no reason
I can put a finger on it feels strange - its only a cannister of gel with
oestrogens addde yet it feels like a turning point.
16th
October, 2005
I take
time out to go and see my friend in for her operation. I put off going to soo n
as I know hor gruelling it is and initially a lot of giorls want to be left
alone. My partner and I pop in to see her with some flowers and the obligatory
'new baby girl' card. she's doing well and I am gad.
19th October, 2005
I pop i to see my friend again and I also meet the nurses who
looked after me when I was in. Its girly hug time and I almost cry. Even after
all this tie they feel like old friends and are really pleased to see me and of
course I am so happy to meet some of them again.
I sit and chat with my friend and her other visitors as they coe
in before going home again.
As I drive
back I refelcet I have someone waiting for e at home, my partner. I have been
lonely for so long and have missed the feeling of knowing someone is waiting
for me. I drive as fast as is safe to get back When she opens the door I give
her a huge hug and a kiss. It feels so good to have someone special in my life
at last.
20th
October, 2005
Dentists
to have my front teeth fixed. I have been putting up with one appoinment every
few weeks having my teeth repaired and made to look good. Today is the front
teeth being drilled down to take poreclain crowns. Its a terribl session - over
4 hours and quite grim but eventually I have the temporary crowns fitted until
the real ones come back from the lab. I look in a mirror and almsot cry. My
teeth have been in bad shape for ages and I had become very self conscious of
them. Now I have a set of teth that wouldnt look out of place in an American
sitcom show. I feel really attractive at last and no longer have to be ashamed
of my awful teeth.
Straight
after the dentists - with a face still nub from the anaesthetic I have a job
interview to go for. I am leaving my life as an escort and as a porn web site
owner behind. Soon the TV Zone and its companion sites will be removed. Gone
forever. I doubt anyone will notice. As soon as I have secured a full time job
I shall be downing the site although part of it may continue but without me.
Its almost time for me to step into my real life again as a
woman.
21st
October, 2005
I go down
to the hospital to give my friend a lift back to the airport. She lives quite
some way up north and will be flying home after her surgery. As she leaves the
hospital she cries - just as I did - I touch her lightly so she knows I
understand. And I do - for us girls the hospital where we are operated on is
like our firts home. Its a very telling part of our lives and touches us in a
way thats unique. I know she isnst unhappy - its the big jumple of emotions.
Happiness that we finally ARE women, confirmed, affirmed and physicaly whole at
last, sadness at leaving the wonderful staff behind us, knowing we have our
real lives ahead of us and no more nightmares and worries - its such a jumble
of emotions.
I take her
back to Gatwick Airport and help her to the terminal building - we hug and she
leaves to fly away. As I must soon fly from my life and start a whole new
adventure. You see today I found out I have that job. Now I mist start my life
anew.
As my friend
now airborn will find out and every other girl making this transition - dreams
can come true. Mine have. I have become the woman I wanted to be, have chosen
to live with myself on my own terms, have found a partner I will always love
and now I have a job as well.
November
3rd / 4th
November, 2005
Today is the
last day I have to wear a ghastly sports bra which was required after my breast
surgery. Its also the day that my dental work will be
completed.
Two minor
milestones but also a very big one. The big milestone is the end of transition.
This was a diary about me transforming to being female.
Its reached the end of the road because the
transformation is complete and has been for some time, I just didnt notice !
You see the desire to be wholly female was with me for so long I didnt realise
when I had reached my goal and just kept running. Like a long distance runner,
hazy from the exertion, falling down from tiredness, eyes fogged out with pain
as she runs on her spirit and training who fails to notice she has crossed the
finishing line.
For the past
two weeks I have been working, I finally found a normal job for a normal woman.
My colleagues treat me as they would any other woman in the office and its made
me realise I have run my race, I have done all I wanted to do. Yes theres some
small parts of surgery to come, just some minor some facial work ( and I will
write about that when it happens ) but the diary has served its purpose - I am
finally complete as a woman. My story is done.
I would like to finish the diary on two small observations - both
of which have reinforced my view that the diary as it stands is
finished.
The Empty
Bottle
A few days
ago I finished the last of my oestrogel ( its a cream that TS females apply as
a hormone supplement ). My specialist said there was no point continuing to use
it now. As I used up the last of the bottle and threw it into the trash I
reflected on how far I had come.
I remember the day I first started on hormones and how excited and
happy I was. Over time the meds have become a chore but one I never failed to
do each day.
The oestrogel
became a symbol of my transition in some ways. Always there on my dressing
table among my perfumes and cosmetics, always the odd bottle amongst the
others, the one that said 'this table space belongs to a TS female' . In fact I
took a few pics of me in my bedroom once and used them as pics on my Yahoo
profile. Another TS spotted the cannister of oestrogel and sent me a cheeky
message.
After that I
would often make sure the cannister of oestro was in sight - a sort of clue to
the viewer ( albeit an obscure one ) of my true nature. Back then I felt proud
to be a TS, proud of what I could acheive and I didn't mind being 'out'. The
cannister was also a recognition signal to my sisters - 'yes I am a TS as
well'.
Over time of
course I became more female and turned away from the idea of being TS, these
days I resent that label - I am a woman like any other. The oestrogel cannister
and all it represented became an alien on my dressing table. As I was often an
alien among women.
But a few
days ago the last cannister of Oestrogel went in the bin - no more strangers
among the perfumes and cosmtics, a dressing table exactly as a woman would have
it. Likewise my strangeness has faded and I too can blend in as just a
woman.
So much
philisophy in a cheap plastic bottle !
The Prada
Handbag
Last weekend
I visited Guildford to meet a friend. I arrived very early to look around the
shopping centre. I used to do that years ago on my 1st transition. Guildford is
where I started to come out. Back then I would wander round some of the posh
shops and look at things I never thought I'd be able to afford. Hi Fi euipment
that was beyond my reach. Back then I was almost destitute and transitioning to
a woman was simply a daydream. I was effeminate rather than feminine. I;d walk
about looking in shop windows and be in daydreams about being
female.
Today I
wandered past a mall which used to have a very expensive Hi-Fi shop selling
Bang and Olufsen systems. Today its a shop selling very expensive handbags. I
looked in the window at the collection of Prada and other expensive handbags -
some of them as much as £1,500 and a thought struck
me.
Many years ago I had looked at hi-fi - I never
thought I'd be able to afford stuff like that but I eventually found work and
things came good and in time I could afford very lavish things. None of it
helped me with my distress over being gender dysphoric but it did at times act
as a sop. Soemthing that created a view that perhaps everything was ok, a new
televeision would keep me happy for a while. I measured my worth in the
possessions I had. I always knew it was false but it was like a stage prop for
me. It helped keep my 'act' as a man together.
I had the six figure income, a large house, a mercedes - none of
it made me happy and eventually of course I gave it all up to be what I always
should have been - a woman. Being what I am and being true to myself has at
last bought me happiness.
I looked in
at the handbags and felt no pang of envy at all - I knew I could spend time to
find a better job than the one I have now, I could shin up the greasy pole
again and earn the money that would make a £1,0000 handbag a mere trinket
again, but I wont.
Transition -
and what led up to it has taught me so very much about the REAL value of
things. Expensive handbags may have a price tag but they have little value to
me. The chase for trinkets like that is a fools errand - toys and tinkiling
cymbals, so much dross that we surround ourselves with in the pursuit of
happiness.
The wheel has
turned full circle. Guildford was where it all started for me as a transsexual
and now I have come back as a woman, back to my old home ground. Back then I
was a fumbling teenager, hardly able to understand why I never felt comfortable
with myself or with others. Living in a fantasy life of 'what ifs' certain I
would never be able to be me. Now, returning I am a woman, calm, confident and
completely at ease with myself and others. Where it staretd it has finished,
across the day a thousand other small observations come to my mind ( see the
one above ) and I realise I am at journeys end.
I have
reached a balance with myself at last, I am happy to be what I am - just a
woman - nothing more and nothing less than that. Its been a lifetimes journey
to be here. Those who have read the diary will have read some of my past and
truly at times I have been to despair - at one time a line from some ancient
poem kept me going,
Long is
the road, and hard, that from hell reaches to the
light......
Thats how its
been at times for me and countless others like me. My journey is over, otheres
are starting out.
I really
wanted to down the site at the journeys end and remove the diary. But as I
started to take the site down I had a thought. At one point in all fo this when
I was desperate, alone, frightened I found another girls diary. Reading her
struggle gave me hope and allowed me to carry on when otherwsie I would have
failed. I realised I couldnt do less than she has done in maintaing the diary -
as a beacon - shining out - I hope some other girl may find her way by it. As I
once found my way through others experiences.
Today I filled out the paperwork to have my birth certificate
changed. I wasnt going to do it at first but then I thought I had to. Too many
of us have fought for too long for these rights - its time they were
used.
As I sat and
filled out the forms and collated all my documents, I read through the medical
reports on me. The drug charts, the surgical notes and found myself crying. I
remembered how I felt when some of those documents were
written.
'My
impression is that she is transsexual' the first recognition I ever had that I
had been right from the start from the firts doctor to ever help me. I
remembered how scared I had been going to see him but how happy I had been when
he finally doagnosed me and allowed me to start
hormones.
'She requires
GRS but her medical condition may make this impossible' how I cried for weeks
when my firts DVT seemed to have robbed me of the chance to ever be whole as a
woman.
'There are
risks but I am sure the surgery can be made safe for her' my elation when I
knew I would get GRS despite the risks to me.
So many words, plain and bald they seem on paper - but each
record, each letter, and every line are charged with emotional undercurrents
when you are the subject of them and each of them is both a key to the future
and the flagstones on which you tread as you walk towards the
light.
I finally
completed the forms, the documents go away now and in time I shall have my
birth certificate showing to the world that I always was a woman and I shall
always remain one and always true to the lessons that life has taught
me.
This is the end of the diary. As I promised I will write one
final section abouit my facial surgery but this is the real end of the diary.
To those who have supported me, taught me, carried me when it got to bad. You
know you have my thanks. You know who you are and you know how much each of you
means to me.
To all the
many well wishers who read the diary you also have my thanks, your generosity
at times has been truly humbling and has helped me in ways some of you couldnt
guess.
All my
love
xxx
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