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SOME OF WHAT FOLLOWS IS TRUE - Most names have been changed to protect the guilty. Prologue Central London - Winter 2001 'Nice boots' commented the doorman of the swish London hotel staring at my black patent stilettoes as I stepped outside for my debut as a fully fledged T-Girl. Dressing had taken over two hours of work with cosmetics and a final struggle with a waspie that confirmed my suspicions that inanimate objects do have souls. The waspie had been determined not to be used to squeeze me down from my normal 34" waist to the sort of waistline associated with Victorian females of a different period. The afternoon had been spent in a madcap rush around Soho to find a replacement waspie after the original one had proven itself not to be up to the job. In truth Isambard Kingdom Brunel if he had been alive and well and running a fetish shop would have been hard put to design something that was solid enough to pack my middle aged figure into the shape I needed for my first time out. Anyway, the dressing behind me now I felt confident and assured in my alternate persona as my female companion and I stepped from the hotel and started up the road to a London club catering for TVs and their admirers. The extremity of my outfit caused traffic to slow down on Tower Bridge as we walked towards our destination and, I am, sure probably caused minor accidents, if that's true then the insurance claims forms would make interesting reading, and may have provided some humor to clerks in some large corporation somewhere. My normal persona was quaking inside with outright fear and was calmed only by Melanie by interior companion and guide who felt nothing but rising excitement at finally being free of her bonds. Arriving at the club the final testament to my skills at transforming myself was given when the doorman mistook my female companion for a T-Girl while accepting me as female. Melanie Jones had arrived.
I live in Portsmouth, alone at the moment since I came out and my partner preferred us to seperate after initially being quite supportive. In many ways my coming out was in reverse order to most people. I started with lots of support which has slowly dried up - almost the exact opposite to other T-Girls I know who have come out and faced hostility at first but which often softens to acceptance and sometimes a genuine desire to help. Coming out ? I think it could be best summed up in a line of verse from Christina Rosetti 'Life, and the world, and mine own self are changed for a dreams sake' That certainly sums up the trauma of coming out I think. its very much a one way thing, once your out your out and there's no going back. You cant un-tell people or put the genie back in the bottle. BUT once your through it the dream you have for yourself can become more real. When I look back I can see Melanie slowly developing in me - like watching a photo appear from blank paper. Looking back I guess I had my first inklings when I was in my late teens and early 20s - back then the world was a different place - no Internet for a start - and I just sort of assumed that the only people with this urge were me and Quentin Crisp. One night I watched a play on the television based on a real persons experiences of dressing - it was interesting but the character was basically heading to be a full TS which had little appeal for me at the time. I was pretty much just a frustrated CDer back then. None the less it seemed to be that I maybe wasnt as unique or freakish as I felt. Certainly the part of the play where the central character transformed and really handed out some savage stick to her tormentors at work certainly struck a chord with me.
Melanie really started coming to the fore in 2001 and I started dressing more frequently behind my partners back. Eventually the need in me to dress properly and be more convincing pushed me to come out to her and close friends. She and a few real girls I know were very supportive and helped a lot with make-up plus some web friends helped with advice too.
I picked the name Melanie Jones for myself because Melanie was the first wig style I had (its the long straight red one in the first two pics) and Jones was kind of neutral - also my name can be shortened to Mel when I am in drab and it is non-sexed as a name so doesn't arouse comment. Some other T-Girls think it odd that I have progressed so fast. Makeup down pat in a week, first outing at about 3 weeks, clubbing after 5 weeks etc. In truth I had been planning and visualizing all of this for 20 years at least. So once I could come out I was determined to do all the things I had planned and hoped for.
I do feel that the time is ripe for us girls to come out - like the gay community has re-branded itself and created a positive image. We T-Girls need the same I think, and I hope, really hope, that M-TVZ can help towards that if even if its by a small step. Starting M-TVZ up has occupied a lot of my time of late - its an act of faith and a way to repay the many girls who helped me when I was a newbie. Some girls (and you know who you are) I could never repay except to provide the sort of help and support that they gave me. I don't really care about the success of M-TVZ in terms other than if it helps a single T-Girl to cope with any aspect of her life I will consider the time and effort worthwhile. A Dedication One very good girl friend in particular, sadly, did not live to see me fully emerge as a T-Girl. I hope I would make her proud and I try every day to live the life she never had the chance to enjoy. In many ways this site is for her - to keep the faith with a very dear friend and to repay a kindness. Despite having huge problems herself she always made time for me and without her help, understanding and generosity I may never have discovered myself. Rest easy Becky - you will always be with me inside - I promise.  |
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